Sacred to Cyclists

As a cyclist, I have learnt to laugh at myself.

After all - I shave my legs, wrap myself in lycra, sweat my way up and down hills (for no real reason) and finish off each ride with a leisurely "skinny-flat-white-with-one-please". So I can't take myself too seriously.

Did you make fun of my bicycle? I'll be baaaaack

But for future note to those who may interact with cyclists - there are a few things you should never poke fun at or query too much. They must never be questioned.

From my years of riding a bicycle, here is is my take on the Top 5 Things Sacred to Cyclists.

5. Lighter/Faster/Newer/Better Bike Parts

Any partner of a cyclist will know what I am talking about. Its the never-ending need to be upgrading bike parts and accessories. It even has a medical term - Upgraditus!

Take this for example - Titanium Bolt Upgrade Kits - Now, there it no real reason that you would need to swap all your regular alloy bolts with brand new titanium bolts. But several persuading arguments have been made ranging from "they last longer and will never rust!" to "but its titanium...the mysterious and unobtainable element - and I can have it on my bike!".
There are several more example - mostly involving carbon. Carbon seats, carbon bottle cages, carbon spokes, carbon posts, carbon iPhone cases - bah humbug to the carbon footprint!

Almost always, these upgrades defy logic:
- $300 for carbon crankset which saves you 100 grams (never mind the actual cyclist could stand to lose a few kilos)? Yes Please!
- $200 for a carbon seat which is like sitting on polished concrete? Why not!
- $400 for a new kit with 'interwoven carbon fibres' which have no benefit whatsoever and probably cause chafing? Hell yeah!

Mmmmm painful AND only 95 grams! Yay!

4. Excuses

Anyone who rides with a cyclist will know this one. Even other cyclists will secretly admit to this. Its the good old "Excuse".

It usually pops up after the cyclist's performance is proven to be subpar and not quite what was expected. This can be a competition involving climbing a hill, sprinting to the line or even a easy roll along the flats. The other cyclists may not even know it was a competition to begin with.

Common excuses:

• "Oh, I did intervals until exhaustion yesterday - so I'm not going for the sprint"
• "Today's my recovery day - I'm going easy"
• "I can't climb like I normally do - I think I'm coming down with the flu"
• "Hmmm, my brakes must be rubbing - I'm sure I was putting down 400 watts" 

 

The best response to these is to feign interest and pretend like you weren't trying either. Secretly, inside you will know that it was your carbon bottle cage that got you up the climb faster.

3. Matching Kit

 Matching cycling kits are the sign of 'serious' cyclist. No, this doesn't mean that they are any good at cycling - or that they are experts on all things bike related. It means they have shelled out a few hundred dollars to look 'Pro'. And looking Pro (especially Euro Pro) is what its all about.

 This looks more Pro...

 

  Than this!

But matching cycling kits don't always look good. And it can have nothing to do with the kit itself!

 Never again, Poland

 2-5. Sock Height

 Leading on from #3 - sock height is a contentious issue. Ankle or mid-calf. It can divide nations and split lifelong friends. Don't even get me started on black or white socks. We don't want a war here.

2. Quads and Calves

Cyclists will often check out other cyclists. Not in a weird creepy way - purely sizing up the competition. And the number one telltale sign of a strong cyclist? Quads and Calves. They can tell you everything you need to know.

• Hairy quads and calves = Mountain biker or hippy commuter
• Big quads and calves = Sprinter. Won't work all race and move to the front in the last 1km.
• Skinny quads and calves = Climber. Built like a stick, he will ride away on grades >20%.
• Undefined quads and calves = Rookie. New to the game and will be dropped in the first 15mins.

 Sprinter. And a good one at that.

1. Tan Lines

Tan lines. They are every cyclists trophy. It is proof of how many hours you spent training in the hot sun, how many kilometres you grinded over and how many turns of the pedal you put in.

The leg tan is the staple of every cyclist. It is pretty much the reason you shave your legs - you have to show it off! The crisper the line, the better. And never, ever, ever, ever do you try to 'even out the tan'.

 Yeah baby - nothing but leg tan

The more sacred tan lines include the arm tan (something foreign to triathletes in their sleeveless shirts), the sunglasses tan (totally euro cool) and of course the wristband tan (made famous by Lance and his yellow band before we found out it doesn't have super powers).